“I don’t know if this is helping.”
“Am I supposed to feel like this?”
“Maybe therapy just isn’t for me.”
“Maybe I’m doing it wrong.”
I’ve been there.
I’ve walked out of a therapy session with those exact thoughts.
I’ve only had three therapists in my life: one psychologist and two TRG therapists, including the kind of work I practice today.
And my second therapist taught me something I probably wouldn’t have understood otherwise:
Sometimes therapy feels difficult because you’re doing difficult work.
And sometimes, it feels wrong because the relationship simply isn’t the right fit.
Knowing the difference can take time.
When Therapy Doesn’t Feel Like What You Expected
When I started working with my second therapist, I had high expectations.
I thought that because I had already spent two years in therapy, I would be able to work through everything much faster this time.
Maybe a few months would be enough.
In a way, I was expecting therapy to be more like a solution than a process.
I thought I would arrive with my problems, work through them, and eventually leave feeling like everything had been neatly put back into place.
Of course, that’s not how it happened.
The methodology was different, and there were things underneath the surface that I hadn’t even realized I needed to work on.
The more I tried to understand myself, the more I sometimes felt like I was uncovering new things.
Some sessions left me confused.
Others left me frustrated, vulnerable, or unsure.
Sometimes, I genuinely felt like I was moving backwards.
And that can be difficult when you enter therapy expecting to move forward.
But therapy isn’t always comfortable.
Sometimes, discomfort is part of the work.
You may be looking at something you’ve avoided for years.
You may be questioning patterns that once helped you cope.
You may be becoming aware of emotions you had learned to ignore.
That kind of work can feel messy.
But there is another possibility we don’t talk about enough:
Sometimes the discomfort isn’t coming from the work.
It’s coming from the relationship.
The Relationship Matters
There is a concept in psychotherapy called the therapeutic alliance.
In simple terms, it refers to the working relationship between therapist and client:
whether you feel connected enough to work together, whether you have a shared understanding of what you’re working toward, and whether there is enough trust and collaboration between you.
Research has found that the quality of this therapeutic relationship is associated with treatment outcomes across different forms of psychotherapy.
And when you think about what therapy asks of you, that makes sense.
Therapy often means bringing parts of yourself into the room that you don’t show many other people.
You talk about things that are painful, confusing, embarrassing, or difficult to understand even for yourself.
That requires trust.
A therapist can be highly qualified, experienced, and knowledgeable... and still not be the right therapist for you.
That doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad therapist.
It may simply mean that the relationship between the two of you isn’t creating the space you need to do your work.
And I learned that personally.
⸻
My second therapist was highly qualified.
On paper, she had many of the qualities you would probably look for in a therapist.
But our relationship remained somewhat superficial.
Because of that, the work stayed superficial too.
I could talk about what was happening in my life.
We could work through certain situations. I could see changes in some areas.
But I wasn’t reaching the deeper parts of myself.
And I could feel it.
The more time passed, the more frustrated I became.
Eventually, I stopped trying as hard.
I would go to the sessions, work through whatever was immediately in front of me, and finish what I needed to finish.
It wasn’t my proudest period in therapy.
Eventually, I took a break.
At the time, I think part of me was simply tired of trying to make something work that didn’t feel like it was moving anywhere.
But when my anxiety attacks started returning, I had to face something I already knew:
I couldn’t give up on myself.
I needed help again.
And that eventually led me to my third therapist. The experience was completely different.
With my current therapist, we have what I jokingly call a “Dora the Explorer” approach.
We explore.
We don’t rush.
We take things one step at a time.
And everything matters.
Sometimes the sessions are heavy.
Sometimes they are soul-crushingly uncomfortable.
Sometimes I leave with more questions than answers.
But there is something fundamentally different.
I feel like I am actually working on something.
I feel seen.
I feel challenged without feeling dismissed.
And I feel that there is space for me to arrive at my own conclusions.
I used to believe that if therapy wasn’t working, the problem must be me.
Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough.
Maybe I wasn’t opening up enough.
Maybe I wasn’t “good” at therapy.
But therapy isn’t an exam.
There is no perfect way to be a client.
And sometimes the answer isn’t that you need to try harder.
Sometimes you need something different.
Therapy Is a Relationship, Too
We sometimes forget that therapy happens between two human beings.
And just like any relationship, compatibility matters.
Some people need a therapist who is more structured.
Others need more space.
Some want to be challenged directly.
Others need time to arrive at their own conclusions.
Some people benefit from a therapist who explains things in detail.
Others need someone who asks the right question and lets them sit with the answer.
There is no universal formula.
This is something I think about a lot in my own work with clients.
I ask questions, especially in the beginning, because I want to understand the person in front of me, not simply fit them into a method.
A quiet person may need more time before they feel comfortable speaking.
Someone who struggles with attention may need a different way of structuring the sessions.
Someone who needs more direction may feel lost with too much openness.
The individuality of the person matters.
The work has to make room for the person, not the other way around.
And the right therapist for one person may not be the right therapist for another.
That doesn’t make one good and the other bad.
It means we are different people with different needs.
So, how do you know if it’s just uncomfortable?
This is probably the hardest part.
Because therapy can feel uncomfortable even when it is helping.
You may leave a session thinking about something for days.
You may feel emotionally tired.
You may encounter parts of yourself you would rather avoid.
That alone doesn’t mean therapy is wrong.
But there is a difference between being challenged and consistently feeling diminished.
It may be worth asking yourself:
Do I generally feel respected and listened to?
Can I disagree with my therapist without feeling dismissed or punished?
Do I feel increasingly able to be honest, even when something is difficult to say?
Do we have some understanding of what we’re working toward?
Can I tell my therapist when something isn’t working for me?
And perhaps the most important question:
When therapy is difficult, do I feel challenged or do I consistently feel smaller, ashamed, unheard, or unsafe?
Sometimes, the answer becomes clearer when you allow yourself to ask those questions honestly.
You’re Allowed to Say, “This Isn’t Working for Me.”
One of the things I value in my own work is allowing clients to disagree with me.
If I reflect something back to them or share an interpretation based on what they’ve told me or what I’m noticing, they can say: “Yes.” or “No.”
They can explain why.
Or they can simply say, “I don’t think that’s it.”
That is okay.
Because the therapy belongs to them.
My role is not to decide who they are or tell them what their experience should mean.
It is to help them explore it.
A healthy therapeutic relationship should have room for conversations like:
“I don’t think this approach is working for me.”
“I feel like we’re going in circles.”
“I need more direction.”
“I need more space.”
“Something about our sessions doesn’t feel right.”
Those conversations aren’t failures.
They are part of the work.
And if you’ve communicated what you need and still feel that the relationship isn’t right, you are also allowed to look for another therapist.
You don’t have to stay simply because you started.
If there is one thing I wish more people understood about therapy, it is this:
Finding the right therapist can take time.
Your first therapist might be the right fit.
Or your third.
Or your fifth.
And that doesn’t mean therapy has failed.
It means finding the right kind of support can be part of the process.
My own experience taught me that the difference between a therapist being “good” and being good for me can be significant.
And now, as a therapist, I understand another side of that experience.
When a client tells me, “You really are good at what you do,” it means something to me.
Not simply because it feels good to hear.
It reminds me that I know how difficult it can be to trust someone enough to say those words and actually mean them.
When a client feels that they have found a space where they can finally be themselves, I don’t take that lightly.
Because I know what it feels like not to have that.
Don’t Give Up on Therapy Because One Experience Didn’t Fit
If you’ve tried therapy and it didn’t feel right, you don’t have to immediately conclude that therapy doesn’t work.
Maybe that therapist wasn’t the right fit.
Maybe the approach wasn’t right for you.
Maybe the timing wasn’t right.
Maybe there was something you weren’t ready to explore yet.
Or maybe you simply need something different.
And that is okay.
Therapy isn’t a test you have to pass.
You don’t have to be the perfect client.
You don’t have to know exactly what to say.
You don’t even have to know what you need when you walk through the door.
You are allowed to take your time.
You are allowed to ask questions.
You are allowed to say, “I don’t understand.”
You are allowed to say, “I don’t agree.”
You are allowed to say, “This doesn’t feel right.”
And you are allowed to keep looking for the space where it does.
Because therapy shouldn’t require you to become someone else in order to heal.
It should give you enough room to be fully yourself, and from there, to understand yourself well enough to decide what comes next.
⸻
Reference
Stubbe, D. E. (2018). The Therapeutic Alliance: The Fundamental Element of Psychotherapy. FOCUS: The Journal of Lifelong Learning in Psychiatry, 16(4), 402–403.
Read the full article: The Therapeutic Alliance: The Fundamental Element of Psychotherapy
